Irregular eyes


I wish I have double eye lids.  What's that you asked ?  It's the fold above your eyes.  I only have 1 visible eye lid, so if you look at the image below, it's 1 semi-mono and 1 parallel.  It's rare to have 1 fold out and one semi fold in, but I got it.  Some day there are double folds but most day only one comes out to play.  This is I think, one of the 2 major asian obsession.  The other is high bridge nose.




My eyes was once a part of me that I long wanted to "fix".  If you're thinking 'cosmetic surgery' ? you are right !  WHHHAT ?  I know right ? me !  one who always talks about all things natural.  Sadly, i am not immune to insecurities.  And this was mine.  Sure there's double sided eyelid tapes, but I can't be bother.  I don't like to spend too much time getting ready.  15 min. is max for me.  Most days it's between 7-10 min. and that includes brushing teeth and washing my face.



Double eyelid tape.  Clear thin invisible tapes to glue the skin above your eyes together.   


Since Collin has been in my life as far back as I can remember, he knows I've always been bothered by it.  He told me he doesn't even noticed it until I told him, and said that I should love the me God created.  I totally know what he's saying.  I have a very content happy life but I just think it would be better with double eye lids.  I will be pretty with even eyes !

For a while time I was afraid to look at people in the eyes.  Afraid that people secretly, in their head, think 'oh my gosh her eyes are uneven, that's so weird'.  It felt like I had a deform on my face.  Of course it's all in my head, but that's how insecurity talks.

The only impediment hat is stopping me from going through with the surgery is that I am terrified of being cut up !  I can't imagine putting myself under the knife deliberately.  I mean, what if it went wrong and I was blinded on one side ?  What if it looks weird ?  Do I have to cut both to ensure eveness ? What if it got infected ?  I've seen surgeries that went wrong and afraid I might be one.  My fear is a bit greater than my desire to be pretty.  Maybe when I'm older I can do it, I told myself.

Addition to fear, a small part of me don't want God to feel like I am modifying the in-good-condition me that He made.  At the back of my head, the bible verse about how I am wonderfully made always come into play whenever I think about getting my eye fix.  So that's another deterrent.

As the days and years rolled by, I didn't get any more brave !  I can't overcome the fear of going under the knife, but what that time period gave me was the understanding of what "acceptance" means.  From people to situations and to myself.  I slowly embrace me, everything about me.  As my faith deepen, as I read more God's words, I started to see my inner self more.  There are more to me than look, and there are much work to do with building up my inner self, to be the complete person God desired me to be.

I asked myself if changing my physical look would affect my quality of life, and if it would change my attitude.  Quality of life, none.  Attitude ?  probably, there sure will be a boost of confident.  Do I need it though ?  nope.  Perhaps this imperfection is here to help me to learn acceptance, to humble me, to teach me to see deeper than surface, to learn to take confident of whatever exterior I was given, to be more thoughtful, to be kind, and to focus on higher things.  While I am on a journey to be all of that, I really like the person God is molding me into.  I'm more encouraged to be better.  I am excited for the work that has started in me and look forward to the person I will grown into, the wife, and the mom will become. 

During this time, TV was showing this show called Swan.  While it's amazing to see the final transformation on reveal night, the whole concept of the show doesn't sit well with me.  I feel like a part of the person, call it charm or charisma or uniqueness that is in each of us, is stripped off from them.  I see a beautiful person, perfect teeth, hair, jaw line, nose, cheeks, hair, and body BUT the personality of the old person isn't there, it's a completely different looking person.  I don't know how to explain it, but it seems their personality kind of change/disappear after each surgery.  And they go through A LOT of surgeries.  I didn't like it.  I much prefer makeover when beauty is enhanced, I don't like surgical make over.  I think many viewers echo the same sentiment because the show was short lived.

I have yet to discover the reason for why I felt my eyes aren't perfect other than the simple fact that they truly are not :-) they were uneven, just that and I didn't like it because it makes me feel less normal.  Looking at old pictures, if I was to knit pick, there are host of imperfections about me ! my uneven eyes, the moles above my lips, the hair on my arms, my short forehead, my barely there nose bridge, my unruly coarse hair, and the obvious, my shortness !  I'm so so so far from media's beauty standards !!!  But I am not bound by worldly standards.  Christ came to set us free from "slavery" so why put ourselves under another's control.  If we chase this invisible force we can never find the satisfaction we hope for.  

I read somewhere that if we are not comfortable with our inside, we will never be comfortable with our outside.  There's truth in it.  And the beauty of allowing God to help transforming me from the inside, I learned to love and cherish me because I am truly fearfully and wonderfully made !  Transformation is a life long process but oh my heart is excited with each revelation. 

unpleasant pregnancy

Like clockworks, the day I found out I'm pregnant, within weeks, nausea came sailing in.  Pregnancy morning sickness isn't just morning for me, it is ALL day and night.  This one is bad, although I remember feeling terrible with the previous 2 too.  I can't eat, can't stand smell of meat, can't stand any smell in general and feel like I'm at sea all day.  If you ever experience sea sickness, this is exactly how I feel.  I found myself pinching my arms from time to time to distract me from the awful feeling I'm experiencing.  I think the nausea might be worse than giving birth !  At least with giving birth you see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I don't think contractions and the pushing part takes longer than 2 days.  With nausea, it lasts for days and months and there's nothing I can do to ease it.

Currently I'm taking diclectin but I don't think it's doing anything.  Maybe it is making the sickness a little less worse but it is so bad for me, I don't notice it.  My doctor said I can triple the med. but when I double it I was so drowsy I can barely function, I think triple it would make it worse for me.  One evil or the other, I would rather not be under the influence of med.

Due to the nausea, I can't take pre-natal vitamin.  I tried breaking it up and tried kids vitamins and all make me feel worse so I cut them all out.  I try to take 1 folic acid pill every other day and try to take 1 pre-natal vitamin every Friday so I have the weekend to deal with the extra nausea.

I look forward to be able to eat again and to enjoy food again.  Right now I don't like eating nor drinking juice or milk.  I do force myself to eat 3 meals a day to make up for the lack of vitamins.  I crunch on rock salt here and there and enjoy chips.  All the bad stuff :-( I pray that my baby will be ok.