no longer a baby

excited for school !
Lovebug's ecstatic that her sister is home from school

Bee started pre-school last week.  It was a stressful time for the both of us.  She doesn't like to be there and I'm constantly on the verge of wanting to run over and hold her and take her home with me.  She keeps on telling me how much she loves me and "I love your hair mommy !  I want to stay with your hair".  I have no idea what she's trying to convey...or not.  She might just simply want to be with my hair (???)....I don't understand.....

Bee did so well on the first day.  I took her to school and she quickly waved goodbye.  I must admit I was a bit disappointed that she's so quick to rid of me.  So lingering hug, speed kisses...nothing.  I even wondered why other moms keep on talking about first day of school and how their kids cry and all.  HA, my girl is so good.  I bragged about her to all those who asked.

When the 2nd day came, it all just goes downhill from then on til today :(  She didn't want to come in, she keeps on wiping her eyes from tears, she asks me to take her home with me, she screams, she fight to get out from the arms of the teacher......  She doesn't understand why I can't stay there with her forever.  It was heart breaking my friends, for both her and I.

Seeing Bee's tears pooling around her eyes when I dropped her off today shattered my heart.  I never knew dropping off kid at school can be this difficult.  I hear about it all the time.  I'm sure I scoffed at it many of times too.  Like, you're just dropping off a kid, what's the big deal ?  It's a HUGE deal.  For Bee it's a new learning curve, unfamiliar place, unfamiliar faces, new routines, new structures, new everything.  For me, it's the sadness of the realization she's her growing up, becoming independent, growing out of "home" care.  Then there's the anxiety of "is she happy?", how well would she adapt to the new environment, would she make new friends, does she like the activities there, are the teachers kind/patience/supportive ?  It's a mix bowl of emotions that I'm still trying to sort out and accept. 

Did I cry when I drop her off on her first day ?  No.  But I did feel this overwhelming sadness when I left the school.  Like a part of me is ripped away from me and I'm feeling the missing piece.  My baby is growing up.  She's no longer a baby.  She's going to be going to school from now on for the next 13 years.  When I call home at lunch, she won't be on the other line babbling to me about her day and asking if she can come to work with me :(  I'm so going to miss my mid day talk with her.  She's becoming a little girl.  I do want her to grow up and spread her wings but another part of me also want her to remain my baby.  It's complicated, this parenting business. 

Today is my last vacation day (took a week off to ease Bee into school) so I wanted to do something sweet for Bee.  She love cake and icing (mostly icing :) so I baked her a chocolate cake, cut into squares and decorated them with pink icing.  It was yummy, not too sweet at all.  Bee was excited and wanted a tea party.  I told her maybe we'll just have pink lemonade because it's really hot today.  She had two squares, ate all the icing and finished 60% of the cake.  She never finish the cake.  It's ok !  that's what I'm here for, finishing off her left overs.  I also permit myself to one square :)  There's 1/2 cup of butter in the icing and if I have to divide up the total icing to each square, one square has about 1 teaspoon of butter !!!  Until I'm more active, I have to watch out for my fat intake  :(

I also realized that I can't just take any day off and take her out or have an impromptu garden party.....she has a set schedule to follow.  I wonder if she even need to attend pre-school...plenty of kids are home until kindergarten :)  I know I know, she's not a baby no more, and I can't baby her forever....but when I think of her, she's my baby, forever my baby.