Being a Jonah

We've been church hopping for a while now.  It's hard.  The place where we're at, not having a church home, is a tough place.  One time we missed 2 Sundays back to back because we woke up late.  We meant to stay in bed longer.  We both know we didn't want to go because we feel no desire to go.  We can't decide where to go.  All the ones we went to are good, it's us the problem.  We just don't feel like we're at "home".  We know of only 1 church our whole lives and to move on take some time. 

Comfort aside, there's another thing.  We're not settling in any church, not because we didn't find a "right" church, but because we want to do nothing.  We want to be bystanders.  We want to sit back and enjoy the "feeling" of being guest attendees.  Many people are doing that, why can't we?

Some day, it's easy to forego church altogether.  Another free day (on top of Saturday) to do whatever we want, sleep in, shopping, eating, etc.  We don't have to wake up early for church, which means we can stay up as late as we want the night before.  Yay !

No home church, no commitment, no need to fellowship.  No fellowship, you don't know about others, or have to care for others.

The thing about making a church your "home" church is that, you will start to care about it.  You will start to care about it's programs, the décor, their events, the communities they're reaching out to, the people they're helping, etc.  Then you want to get involved, want to lend a hand, want to help out.  In time, you will be investing your time, your effort and money.  Next thing you know, you will feel like your weekend is gone !  because you spent it mostly doing "church" stuff.

I can write whatever, make up all kind of excuses, but the thing is, deep down, where it mattered, I love caring for people.  I never once regret a day serving God or feel that my weekend was robbed from me.  All the time and effort I invested in doing God's work had brought me great joy.  He made my life purposeful.  It's the best thing that ever happened to my husband and I.  We were busy, but were very happy.  We don't like to be observers.  We always want to be participants.  God has long ago put that desire in our hearts.  We've been serving since we were teens.  There's a plan you see, a purpose for us.  We've always know of our purpose.  We've always made ourselves open for God's plan.  Until recently.

I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing.  Maybe we're feeling lost ?  We're going through withdrawal of our old church ?  I know I feel some resentment on that still.   I feel that I might never again be "comfortable" at another church.  I feel melancholic at time.  I miss the feeling of knowing everyone's name, their history, who's related to who.  I miss the church's annual special events, our pot luck dinners, and our giggles.   It's hard moving on from a comfort zone.  A part of me also know that, that "comfort zone" wasn't a healthy one.  Spiritually, we were all sluggish.  I can see all the grey hairs we added onto our young pastor's head.  I'm thankful for him.  Only now that I'm outside I can see what he's seeing, can see that there were a lot of stuff going on that stumped us from flourishing.  God definitely has a different plan for all of us.  Plan to better us, and not to harm us.  Still, it isn't easy moving out of the familiar.

Moving on we must.  We don't want to give up meeting with others.  We know it's not good to.  We need a break though.  We think....

We tell ourselves "it's great not to be part of any church" !  But inside, when we both silent out our thoughts, we can feel it.  It sucks.  This annoying pull in the gut.  Like when you're anxious about something.  Like you're supposed to do something but you're not.  I don't know what I'm supposed to do.  Correction, I know what I'm supposed to do.  I just don't want to do it.  It sucks.

We are never going to be truly happy are we God ?  I know it as I write this.  I have everything.  I have you Lord, I got love, family, extended families, friends, food and shelter.  Material things ?  oh I bought myself a lot of that too.  I tried to distract myself.  How naïve am I.  Something isn't right and it's eating me up inside.  I know I need to connect, need a church family.  I know You Lord, I know You want us to care for others, and You also want us to be cared for by others.  Lord, are You always this persistent ?  Chasing after me.  Where can I run from you ?  I know I'm being a "Jonah" but it is what it is.  For now.....