Many storms before the calm

While cleaning out my closet I came across some old pictures and diaries ! Since our anniverary is coming up, I thought it would be nice to venture back in time. Wow, reading these diaries gave me such a bad headache ! I was full of DRAMA.  I sure wrote a lot though.  If I knew you back then, you can be sure you had a page or 2 in the book. I still write a lot now too !!! Some things don't change !

Here's a summary on my relationship with Collin ! it's really long but we were together for so long, this is the shortest I can sum up of our years long courtship !!!


When Tracy first met Collin at church, she didn't know he was Mr. Right. She wasn't looking for Mr. Right. She was 10 years old. What does a kid know about the "right one" anyways at that age. She knew she didn't like him much though, from what she saw and heard about him.

Collin was full of attitude, very mouthy, a bully and a hyper kid, who, some how, always managed to get every other kid to listen to him.  They would participate in whatever silly games he came up with, or follow him where he goes and do whatever he does. He would pick on younger kids, stuff his mouth with food and play pranks on people. He was so bratty and Tracy disliked everything about him.

Tracy's family moved away, then a few years later, when they're both in high school, Tracy bumped into Collin at Johnny Zee's arcade. She found him less hyper, more calm, nicer, and looks better too. Although she did think his lips are too big for his head. Through the accidental meet up, they found out they have mututal friends. That summer they saw each other often and started to become friends.

One uneventful summer afternoon, Collin's friend, Flav, let Tracy in on a secret that Collin is interested in her. She wasn't sure how she felt about him. Despite her confident appearance, nobody knew that Tracy was actually a very insecure person who had many moments of low, and felt like she never fit in anywhere. Tracy also never had a real relationship, didn't know what it is about, didn't know what to do on a date, and had never kissed anyone. Being insecure, she was worried he might find out about the real Tracy so she just left it as that. She's not going to do anything about it. But with the friend keep on rooting for them, encouraging them to be brave and give it a shot, Collin and Tracy started to date.

It was all rosy for about a month, and then they go promising each other to be honest with each other at ALL.TIMES. It was the worst thing that ever happened. They fight practically every day, she would tell him what she doesn't like about him and he would tell her what he doesn't like about her.  She would tell him what to do.  He would tell her what to do. Honesty was so not the best policy.

Tracy felt that Collin was too tall for her and dresses too clean.  Collin thinks Tracy needs to wear less dark make up and needs to be less friendly to everyone she meets.

Tracy was naive, doesn't think about consequences and opinionated. Collin was too careful, over thinking everything and mr. know-it-all.

They tried to change each other and failed every time and each time their frustration level turned up a notch.

Tracy also spent countless hours crying because she was unsure if Collin still likes her or finds her attractive. Collin was going out of his mind reassuring Tracy everything is fine and that he still likes her much.

Then Tracy broke up with Collin because she was afraid he would break if off with her first. She's too prideful to let that happen.

Then Tracy asked Collin to take her back. And he did.

She then broke up with him again because she thinks he's a spoiled brat and cheap. Then they would get back together.  He's not cheap, just poor student with little money, working part time at Pizza Hut.  He's also not spoiled either.  Just a misconception.

There were so many things about Tracy that Collin doesn't like. There were so many things about Collin that Tracy doesn't like. So they broke up many times, but time and time again they found themselves back together. They realized they like each other very much despite all their imperfections.   They enjoyed each other's company and loved to talk to each other.  Their longest phone conversation was somewhere around 14 hours. 

There were more storms than sunshines at the beginning of Collin and Tracy's whirlwind courtship. But they kept hanging on, holding tight onto the commitment they've made to each other > to try their best to make things work and always keep the communication channel going.  Sometimes the future looks dim. They prayed a lot for their future.

As the days and months passed, instead of focusing on unpractical expectations, each other's outward appearance, and unrealistic ideas they filled their head with, they focused on getting to know the person, who Tracy and Collin really is.  They learned of each other's thoughts, hopes and dreams. What excites them, what makes them sad, what they hate most. What makes them laugh, cry and what they want in life. They grow together through their bumpy teenage stage and came out in one piece after, together, as expected.

From liking each other's as a person, they then falled in love with each other.  In their time spent together, their bond became tigher, they became a team and focused on the same life and faith goals.  They agreed that God has to be the center of their relationship, as He has been there for them supporting them from the gecko. He was the one that brought them together, closer and helped them bring out the best in each other. They both each have grown into the person that the other are proud to call their life partner.

And that "honesty" policy they had at the beginning of the relationship, though at times they thought was the worse idea, was actually a great idea.  It just needs to be done at a right time.  Despite the wrong timing, they kept it going and shared with each other often what's in their heart and mind.  They believe that by being honest with each other, they're keeping each other in check, accountable, and that if there's issue to work out, it can be done right away.  No bottled up feeling, anger or hurt was allowed.

They rarely argue now that they've confronted all the issues earlier on the relationship. However Collin and Tracy still disagree on a lot of things!  Simply because they are different people with different views.  Their differences add dynamic to their relationship, makes it better. It's quite fun not to think alike all the time.  They bounced ideas of each other and learned much from the other.  What was important is they shared the same life goals and agreed on the major things in life, like God and family. And they knew from experience it's the major things that count, that mattered, not the small stuff.

They were on a good track. After graduation from high school, Collin was thinking of becoming an auto mechanic and Tracy was thinking of becoming an accountant. They weren't really sure what they want to do, and weren't ambitious people.  They pray continously for God to help them find a career that they would enjoy.  They pray to make just enough, so they can save enough to get marry, to start spending their life together.

What they both didn't know was the LORD has a completely different plan for both of them, now that they're ready for marriage. And His plans were perfect and good.

Realistic view

If you're going to brag, please have something for show.  It's my pet preeve to hear people brag and brag and got nothing to show.  Why are there so many people with unrealistic view of themselves ?  not even a grain of modesty.  And feel no shame blowing up their own image.  And what makes it worse, is no one breaks out the honest truth to them that, um, "YOU SUCKED !!!"

OK, so there were a few times I do feel like I'm "IT" but trust me, it never last very long because I, fortunately and unfortunately, have a pretty clear idea of who I am and I also have people who make sure I don't get carry away with it. 

I've seen countless of bad singers on American Idols who came out crying and their friends would comfort them and most always, say stuff like "they don't know talent" !  I want to yell to them "Dude, they (the judges) don't know talent that's why they're making millions of dollars !!!".  "Dude, I saw your friends, I would never buy an album from him.  He sucked so bad !!!"

So, why aren't more of us give our honest opinion ?  BECAUSE we're POLITE !  because we don't care, we're not responsible for you.  Why would we go out of our way to point out your short comings when you think you're amazing ?  Why should we pop your bubble and watch your fall flat ?   We don't have time to deal with you > so we will never say to your face:  your party is boring, I want to poke my eyes out !  or you aren't that successful, or your design needs to have a design, your cooking sucks, you have no fashion sense, why are you bragging about what you have, your parents paid for it !  did you work and save for it ?  no ?  then shut it !!!!

Maybe I'm going through a phrase, where I about just have enough of people bragging about what they have, about their kids, about the amazing rocks in their garden !!!  I refuse to listen and waste my brain cells and time, which I will never never get back.  If you're good, if your work is great, if your creation is beautiful, if you're talented, if you're successful at what you do, PEOPLE WILL NOTICE !  no need to toot your own horn, no need put yourself up on a pedestal.  Parents, *take note*, please don't brag about your kids.  Because no matter how great your kid is, MINE IS BETTER THAN YOURS X 10 !!!  Joking aside, when you brag (different from being proud of your kids' achievement), you're opening door for people to judge your kids.  It's good to think your kid is great, amazing, one in a million, etc.  Every kid is unique and great, so please let's not lift yours up and put others down. 

I know I repeat myself alot of the kids and parents but I have annoying people I know who brags about their kids ALL.THE.TIME when their kids (adults) have nothing to show, has nothing great going on, can barely hold a job.  And it urkes me sooooooooooo much.  I know it's done out of insecurity but still, to sit through it is brutal and I so so so wanted to burst their bubble with a loud *BANG*.  I feel bad for the kids but I can't help disliking them in the same time because of their parents bad behaviours.

I know honest words are hard to swallow.  Like when my friends tell me the outfit I'm wearing isn't flattering, my home decor is boring, my hair is too big, etc !  Though tough to accept at first, I appreciate them all in the same time.  Friends that can be honest to you are TREASURES, they are GOLD !  being too blunt is a different story, but honest words with affection are always always welcome.  And you got take them with a grain of salt !  Because beauty and design is very objective, so these are what they are, COMMENTS, one's personal observation !  however they're not saying it for you to go changing !!!  YOU have to make that choice for yourself !!!

So upon reexamining it, it's true the dress I'm wore last is making me look shorter than I already am, so that will be stored away until I can get to altering it !!  as for my home decor/my hair, well I love coming home to my house, I love my big huge hair, and wish it can be bigger !!!  that's why it's my house, my hair NOT yours.  And knowing my friends, they would say "so be it, I love you just the same".  If I go bragging about it then that would be a different story.  No one likes a bragger.

When typing up all these I was reminded of Luke 14, when Jesus was at some important Pharisee's house (a group of people who think they're experts in everything and better than others, my own translation), where He shares about having compassion for people despite their status, their wealth, their illness, what is deemed "right" by certain group of people.  Basically, it's about being humble and not to think we're better than others.  Verse 11 said "For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted."  It's true.  It happened.  And being the emotional person I am, no matter how much I dislike braggers, I often feel sorry for them when I either find out the truth about their situation or if someone knocked them down. 

I learned something while ranting about this topic !!!   God gives me wisdom to choose my battle and this is one I will choose carefully.  If I care enough and decided to honest to a certain someone I have to do it lovingly and not while I'm raging with annoyance and perhaps with jealousy just because I can't make my lips praise me as much as them.

leave my baby alone

Not all babies are born chubby.  Did you know that ?  it seems a lot of people out there doesn't.   I know it first hand because people always say to me with a puzzled look "your baby is skinny ! ????????"  A rhetorical question that makes me feel like the worse mother on the planet.
People would ask me questions like "does she eat ?", "do you have issue feeding her", "is she well", "do you use formula", etc.  I know many of them formula feed their kid (hence they're really big in size) YET somehow their comments make me feel guilty for breast feeding mine > The most natural way and best way I know for my baby.  When around the asian parents, they would comment stuff like bigger baby means they're healthier.   The caucasian parents are more polite, they would say stuff like "don't worry, she'll catch up" !  I think my daughter is fine the way she is.  My baby is healthy even if she isn't fat.  Who makes up that standard anyway ???

I do feed my daughter.  I feed her a lot in fact.  I don't know how to go about proving it because she's got little meat on her.  She's really active...if that justified anything.  I really don't know why she's not meaty or overweight looking.  Some day I let it slide, some day I found myself babbling on about what I fed her.  Thing is, I can't believe my daughter is already judged at only few months old.  I have to bite down my lips, not wanting to say some mean things back.  I don't know how many times I have to tell people "she eats, she eats a lot"  yes, despite what she looks like, she DOES eat and loves to eat !  I DO FEED my baby !  After countless times repeating myself, I gave up !

I wish I can say that those people's comments don't get to me because they do.  I find myself in a rut some times, slipping in a baby meal replacement here and there, and pray that she would put on a few pounds.  I just want people to leave us alone.  I am a good mom damn it !!!  I don't need to fatten her up to show to people how great she is, or how great of a mom I am.

As a woman, I realized our weight image and issue will follow us for as long as we live.   Which is quite sad isn't it ?  My Honeybee knows, and understands words now, maybe not the whole context of thing, but she understands words.  I just have to politely ask people to be careful with what they're saying around my daughter.  Today might be "she's skinny", in the future might be "she's overweight" or "she's chubby" or "she's short".  People need to guard their lips and careful about their words around kids.